Long ago, in a land of myth and legend, men sought a supreme burger; a sacred blend of flora and fauna (and perhaps cheese) betwixt two sesame seed buns.
Kings and fools alike from every crevice of creation would throw on arms, minds set on retrieving the Grail of middle-class eating — many never to return. Eventually, toward the end of the Middle Ages, the pursuit of the burger waned. Most began to feel that it was better to live a burgerless pauper than to die for fabled riches no man had ever returned with. But the tales! The tales of the burger grail continued, and the dream was passed down from every father to his son, and to his son, and to his. Now, with a smile on our lips and a twinkle in our eyes, we have resolved to locate the apocryphal sandwich or to disprove its existence — but either way, it’s going to be one hell of a ride (catchphrase).
This is the place where we (by which I mean I) will record all of the burgers I’ve eaten, and how they compare with each other. We’ll be using modified Iron Chef rules: Each burger will be judged on Taste (10 points), Presentation (5 points), and Originality (5 points), for a total of 20 possible points (in case you’re stupid). Accompanying me on each excursion will be a guest judge, whose numbers will be averaged with mine to achieve a final score. All burgers are cooked medium-well and include cheese. Will we find the elusive 20 point supreme burger? Let’s find out!
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Famous Dave’s
Famous Dave’s is a chain of eateries peppering the continental U.S., with locations in at least 37 states. The midwestern-themed ’straunt is acclaimed for its ribs, and perhaps rightly so — but we weren’t there for ribs (mistake number one). The interior is a pretty typical tavernesque thing, and the walls are decked with familiar midwestern staples: footballs, ceramic roosters, and high school diplomas. Also, and this may be unique to my own experience, but the waitress simply could not hear anything I said. Every exchange became this awkward game of angry charades, to the point where I wondered if my voice simply resonated on some nega-frequency that her ears could not pick up. Then again, maybe it wasn’t her fault at all — if you want to eat at Dave’s, be prepared to listen to the loud, jarring wails of middle-aged men as they graze communally near the ESPN televisions. Yes…yes. It’s that kind of place. The burgers:
Taste – 4
When it comes to burgers, Dave is famous for some kinda suckin’. The patty was cooked okayish, but the lettuce, tomato and onions tasted somewhat old. Normally I could overlook this, but in addition, the burger was wet. Not even with grease! This thing was soaked with water. I can only imagine that somebody dropped it in the toilet just before serving. Or rather, that’s all I could imagine while eating it. It wasn’t pleasant.
Presentation – 1
Presentation really isn’t a problem for me, generally. As long as my sandwich isn’t served with dinnerware fashioned from vegan propaganda pamphlets, I’m good (no offense, vegan friends). However, this…was something else. I mean, sure, all the components of a burger were there. Just…randomly assorted, and spread wide across the garishly-colored wax paper. I guess it was supposed to be postmodern.
Originality – 3
Dave’s saving grace, if he has one, is that he sports the largest selection of barbeque sauces I’ve seen in one place. These work fine as burger sauces as well, and if your grandparents ever take you, I encourage you to try them — they’re pretty delicious.
Total – 8
Guest Judge (Jeremy)’s Scores:
Taste – 4
Presentation – 3
Originality – 3
Total – 10
Final Score: 9
Not even a 50%, skip it unless you’ve been hit by a truck, causing a complete loss of motor functioning in your legs, and Famous Dave’s is the only place around within crawling distance. But even then, probably best to just lay in the road and let some other vehicle finish the job.
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Bobby’s Burger Palace
Bobby’s Burger Palace is a relatively new chain of restaurants begun by the Food Network star Bobby Flay, most notable for his red hair, slight speech impediment, and passive-aggressive cooking throw downs. Out of convenience, we visited the first BBP location, which is connected to the Smith Haven Mall in suburban Lake Grove, New York. The inside of the establishment is nice enough, with a bar-type area to one side and a tables-type area to the other. The place is tiny; the building itself is not so much a part of the mall as it is an external growth, as if the mall has started reproducing asexually by budding. The order system at BBP is part cafeteria, and part standard sit-down, meaning you pay up front, get your own drinks, but the food is brought to you by wait staff. The first time visitor may find this setup confusing, and we used our own confusion expertly to skip out on tips. As for the burgers:
Taste – 7
In a word, it’s great. The patty is cooked evenly, the necessary vegetable components are crisp…it really is one of the best burgers I’ve eaten. Really.
Presentation – 5
Neat, clean, and served on what I want to say is a tea cup saucer. The burger is stacked and trimmed immaculately, as if it were sitting for acting headshots.
Originality – 4
The burger is characteristic in its fresh taste. That sounds like a paid advertisement, but it’s true. BBP also offers “crunchification”, which is the unorthodox introduction of potato chips into the burger for extra crisposity. Fuck potato chips though, you know? They also have a variety of burger sauces at the table, and at least one of them tastes like old raisins. It’s a wonderful and distinct sandwich on its own however, and you’ll know it when you taste it.
Total – 16
Guest Judge (Jeremy)’s Scores:
Taste – 10
Presentation – 4
Originality – 4
Total – 18
Final Score: 17
An incredible burger, certainly one of the best I’ve tasted, but not the elusive Burger Grail. If I had to pick a false grail like at the end of Last Crusade (and presumably turn to dust), however, this would be the one.
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Five Guys
If there was such a thing as “gourmet fast food”, Five Guys would serve as the model on which such establishments would be based. Walking in, you’ll find a menu with an almost obsessive level of options, boxes upon boxes of bulk peanuts (?), and a frantic cook staff waiting to make your every food whim, however sadistic, a reality. But is their reality a favorable one, or is it a Huxleyesque reality of mindless orgies amid piles of all-beef sandwiches? Because why can’t I have that. The burgers:
Taste – 6
As delicious as your favorite deep-fried, short-order burger, but a little better. A decidedly lower grade patty than restaurant faire, but prepared well. The whole thing is pretty bittersweet.
Presentation – 0
Practically doesn’t count. They serve it in a brown paper bag. Since I have nothing else to say on this, yes, I DID see you working behind the counter, Girl From My Junior Year Political Philosophy Class, and yes, I still secretly hate you. I did feel a little bad when you slammed into that other guy with the fries, though. There’s seriously like 15 people running around back there for no reason.
Originality – 5
Here’s where Five Guys shines: selection. The basic burger isn’t anything extraordinary, but you can put nearly ANYTHING on it, from grilled mushrooms, jalapeno peppers, A-1 sauce, barbeque sauce, hot sauce…you don’t get that kind of variety at Wendy’s. Add to that the availability of “little hamburgers” (for the impotent) and the strange, almost ill-advised offering of bulk peanuts on the side, and you’ve got an unmistakable dining experience.
Total – 11
Guest Judge (Joe)’s Scores:
Taste – 9
Presentation – 1
Originality – 4
Total – 14
Final Score: 12.5
An okay burger from an okay eatery. Just be aware that, like all vices, what feels good now will likely destroy you later. Approximately 9 hours later.
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John Harvard’s
I feel bad walking into a bar and not sampling the local flavor. There’s sort of an unspoken obligation that you have a beer at a brewery – if you don’t, it’s like you’ve gone to a strip club because it provided a nice atmosphere in which to do your economics homework. However, we risked our server’s scorn and twelve years’ bad luck at John Harvard’s, a brewery with six locations in the U.S. Declining a pitcher of cold, estrogenic bubbly, we tasted their burgers sober and of sound mind. Here’s the verdict:
Taste – 9
“Smooth” is a modifier I’d use. Far above par for a course not specifically dedicated to sandwich perfection. The patty was even, but surprisingly thick; there’s a very generous slab of meat there. Make your own jokes. Dressed lovingly with the typical vegetables and hot melted cheese, it is definitely worth it for the taste alone.
Presentation – 4
Neat and clean. A hearty, delicious island floating in a sea of fries, all atop a simple white dish. Quite a bit nicer than having your dinner chucked in some discolored plastic tray lined with logo-emblazoned wax paper (Trashy, not classy, Famous Dave’s).
Originality – 2
Not much, unless you count being able to have a beer and a burger simultaneously as “original”. Still, the bar has a nice, friendly atmosphere to it. You know, for a bar.
Total – 15
Guest Judge (Jeremy)’s Scores:
Taste – 6
Presentation – 3
Originality – 3
Total – 12
Final Score: 13.5
A thouroughly unexpected (and pleasant!) taste. Definitely worth a try, at least. For best results, consume before getting completely trashed.
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Foster’s Grille
By contrast, this place has nothing to do with alcohol at all — but it certainly has a lot to do with burgers. With kind of too many locations in Virginia, Florida, Kansas, Maryland, North Carolina and New York, you definitely don’t need to drive terribly far to find “the Home of the Charburger”. Whether you’d actually want to accomplish this or not is a different question entirely. Walking in, waves of mediocrity immediately began piercing my skull. It’s a “nothing special” facade, a lot of garage sale shit on the walls, and, as luck would have it, a lot of shit on the table, too. Undearneath a layer of plexiglass are a bunch of advertisements for local establishments, newspaper cutouts, pictures of old people, you know. And while the support of local businesses is always admirable, the end result is that it feels like you’re watching infomercials while trying to eat. The staff is aloof but tolerable, though they honestly don’t have much to do; the Foster’s we visited was nearly empty on a Saturday night. Why, you ask?
Taste – 4
Because the “Charburger” sucks, that’s why. As the name might imply, the patty’s as dry as a bone, and yet the rest of the burger is somehow also incredibly greasy (?). Clearly, a feat only capable here. In any case, if my cohort’s main suggestion is “they have good fries”, it’s a losing proposition for you.
Presentation – 2
Sloppy. You might venture that it’s “just a burger”, and that I shouldn’t be so critical. Maybe you’re right. I think I’m just having a bad day. I am taking a new medication, though, so I’m optimistic.
Originality – 3
Foster’s Grille is bland, forgettable, and somewhere you want to avoid. On the plus side, though, it’s not Famous Dave’s.
Total – 9
Guest Judge (Jeremy)’s Scores:
Taste – 6
Presentation – 3
Originality – 2
Total – 11
Final Score: 10
In the words of William Shakespeare, “A man loves the meat in his youth that he cannot endure in his age.” I’m just not exactly sure how young you’d have to be to appreciate a Charburger. (A zygote, probably)
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